{"id":43,"date":"2026-03-23T15:36:16","date_gmt":"2026-03-23T15:36:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mscience.ca\/?p=43"},"modified":"2026-03-23T15:36:18","modified_gmt":"2026-03-23T15:36:18","slug":"my-latest-obsesion","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mscience.ca\/index.php\/2026\/03\/23\/my-latest-obsesion\/","title":{"rendered":"My latest obsesion"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I yearn for the oblivion. My secret dark desires are to be so high that I cannot feel anything anymore, that moment where my brain turns off and all I do is bask in the chemical of my choice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I don\u2019t do this. I\u2019ve talked a bit about how I am sober here, how I\u2019ve been sober since 2018. This year will be (on June 4th<\/sup>) eight years removed from my vice of choice. Loads of good things have happened, and even more bad things. And I have been stone cold sober for all of them. Now I will admit that I can have a bit of a addictive personality (a trait that surprises no one). So I kinda want to share how I\u2019ve been dealing with my yearning for oblivion recently.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Before I developed my drinking problem I was hooked on long distance running. The highs from a ten-mile run were worth their weight in gold. Nothing hits better than a runner\u2019s high. But what is more interesting is the reason why I decided to run. I told my ex at the time that I was inspired by his cousin who (as a big girl) ran a half marathon whose route when around our place. We went out in droves to support her. Hell, I was impressed and I figured that I could do that same. So I started running. I can remember the first time I ever ran a whole mile without stopping. It was at an indoor track at my university. I was so proud of myself. I was in my late twenties and I was hooked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I kept on running. Soon two miles was considered a warmup for me, I stretched out my long runs on the weekend to 13+ miles. I ran until the bottoms of my feet hurt so bad that I had to call a taxi to get me home. I even signed up for a marathon. But by running the same routes over and over again I was purposely distancing myself from a feeling\u2026 much like my drinking did a couple years later. I didn\u2019t like my ex anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We were married and I didn\u2019t want to be married anymore. Fun story, when we got married, I was twenty years old and we were religious. Christian in fact. And I can vividly remember his father approaching me one day saying, \u201cUntil you say I do\u2026 you can always say no. But you cannot afterward\u201d. Or something to that effect. Meaning once I said yes to his son, I was stuck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And it felt like I was stuck for years, that\u2019s why I started drinking. Because I wanted to be out so badly but I couldn\u2019t figure out how exactly to leave. But that\u2019s a story for a different time. Because now, almost eight years sober I find myself leaning into extreme parts of sport again.<\/p>\n\n\n

\n
\"\"
The bag is mirror for my own shortcomings, of which there are many. <\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

I want to be a amateur boxer. Seriously. Yes, I know I\u2019m old. Yes, I don\u2019t care. I\u2019ve found a gym that I love (here<\/a>) AND I\u2019ve found a found a personal trainer in Victoria too<\/a>. I\u2019ve been hitting the boxing gym three days a week for nine months and I\u2019m happy to say that I\u2019ve just graduated to sparring. In between boxing sessions I work with a personal trainer on deep core and flexibility. And to no one\u2019s surprise I love it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since I don\u2019t want to end this post on a superficially happy note, I\u2019m watching my body\u2019s reaction to this hard workout schedule. I\u2019m wondering if I need a change in my personal life, or if this is trying to cover up some feelings. Because I do still get a good hit after a hard heavy bag session. It makes me feel like I\u2019m flying high, but I know that the ground is always there and I don\u2019t need to faceplant into anymore.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I yearn for the oblivion. My secret dark desires are to be so high that I cannot feel anything anymore, that moment where my brain turns off and all I do is bask in the chemical of my choice. But I don\u2019t do this. I\u2019ve talked a bit about how I am sober here, how […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":44,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_sitemap_exclude":false,"_sitemap_priority":"","_sitemap_frequency":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-43","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mscience.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/43","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mscience.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mscience.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mscience.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mscience.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=43"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/mscience.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/43\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":46,"href":"https:\/\/mscience.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/43\/revisions\/46"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mscience.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/44"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mscience.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=43"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mscience.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=43"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mscience.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=43"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}